What I see...

As many of you know, I have embarked on an educational series called Landmark's Curriculum for Living, which has brought me to a pivotal point in my life. This essay is not a commercial although I would gladly stand for it (but not for the reasons the advertisers put forth.)

I am currently at Level II - the Advanced Course. In the first level, I learned who I was in context to self. In this particular level, I am learning who I am to the world. Without revealing too many specifics, I will say that at first, I was not totally feeling it. I thought about my personal activism and the other ways I contribute to the world. I am already there, right? Wrong! Some time ago, my friend Meek reminded me that what I loathe in others resides in myself. While I fought that revelation, I get it in relation to my place in the world.

At one point during the class a man shared how he had diminished his relationship with his sister because "she had a girlfriend," which immediately set me on guard. Already believing the world hates “us,” I was ready. He went on to say how their parents were gone and he and his sister were the only ones left for each other. I was livid. His color was not important to me; all I knew is there was another lesbian out there who cast aside. I saw all LGBT people cast aside, injured, or even killed for "his" ignorance. As I said, I was ready.

Later, there was an exercise that required a group of individuals to stand in front of the room for minute or so in silence. Another group was then told to stand a hair's breath away from the first, face to face. It was already bad enough that this man was in my sights, and we both fought to avoid the connection. My first go, I ended up facing a psychiatrist (how apropos.) As fate would have it, my next go round there “he” was, right in front of me. Eye to eye.

As I stared into the eyes of the enemy, I became even angrier. My former self took hold of me and I fought the desire to snatch his throat. The emotion continued to stir and tears began to well. How dare he not know? How dare he let go of his family because of who she loved? I blinked and looked away but could not shake his gaze. How long is this crap going to last?

And then, something happened. My hatred began to subside and I saw the pain in his eyes. The rest of the room, not focused on our dynamic, was none the wiser to what was happening in my space. I tried not to receive the understanding coming in. Not I, the fighter of equality! How am I receiving and understanding from what I perceived as a homophobic mind? For the first time I realized that, my stance was coming from a place of hate, not of the love and peace that I claimed was my contribution to the world...

As I sat in my seat, I struggled to understand what I was receiving and prepared myself for break. During that break, someone said that she had wanted to speak to me since Friday, but thought I did not want to be bothered. I told her I had gotten ready to speak but she had turned away. We laughed, aware of our individual perceptions. Then it hit me! My perception was the only way I SEE...

When I arrived back to class, I shared these experiences and the floodgates opened. I cried for the lost LGBT people, the murdered souls, the homophobic Right and for myself. I remembered the white people who marched with King. The straight people that walk with the gays. The rich that stand for the poor.

I now recognize my stance in this world and I am ready for this possibility! I am a being of diversity, understanding, and visibility, and I am giving up the "The world hates me" paradigm. Going further, I am also releasing the "I am not that person" mentality, because I am. I am THE person. THE difference.

It was all about changing what I saw...

Personal Journey - Day 1

Personal Moment: After taking a long break from writing the blog, I was not sure if I would ever bring it back. Things had changed; I no longer had the time and as far as I was concerned, no one was reading it. It was not until I had done an interview with "Sippin' On Ink" that I realized that my blog is not about me, but about those who take the time to read it.

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Insanity is...

Thinking I could do this alone.

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Lawyers have a phrase they use to signify urgency in a contractual deal -- TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. It is capitalized to stress it's importance and when it is used, the other party knows you mean business. The Free Dictionary defines this term as " a phrase often used in contracts, which, in effect says: the specified time and dates in this agreement are vital and thus, mandatory, and "we mean it." Therefore, any delay, reasonable or not, slight or not, will be grounds for canceling the agreement."

Although I do not have a contract with life, per se, it is understood that if I am allowed to breathe, I can live. However, through everything, I realized I was not holding up my end. I was breathing but not living. Now, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE...

Having lost some very special people in my life over the past few months, I realize that time is not promised. Another understood fact. Unfortunately, many of us do not live as such -- and I was becoming one of those very people.

So I decided to create a personal 30-day bootcamp for myself. In doing so, I plan to tackle personal issues that have been plaguing me such as weight, idiosyncrasies, social interactions, authenticity, etc. On November 30, 2009, I began this journey.

After an online discussion, I saw this [blog] as a wonderful opportunity to share what is happening with me along the way -- the good, the bad, and indifferent. In addition, you are able to leave comments and questions. Together, we will take this walk.

So to you, I say, "Welcome" and if you have time, check out older entries. Enjoy!

A CHANGE GONE COME - Part 3

I was so embarrassed. How was the great Renair Amin going to overcome yet another tragedy? I remember thinking “Get over yourself!” I had fought so hard not to get back to this point of vulnerability. I had to move again. Start over. Something I had promised myself I would never do again.

During my 33 years, I have been raped, abused, drug-addicted, and victimized. I have had to face the murder of my biological mother, grandmother, sister and brother in fire. I have even survived suicide attempts and long hospital stays. However, nothing seemed to amount to the feeling of failure. People kept saying things like, “…In time you will heal” and “This too shall pass.” However, what they did not understand was it was not just about a woman, job, or business; it was about me. It was about me feeling as if I followed God’s instructions and had lost everything. Did I misunderstand His Plan? And since I could not discern my truth, I just cut God out of the equation. I became agnostic.

I had no choice; I fell into myself. I started working on building my basic foundation by job and room hunting. I started planning my finances with the few weeks of work I had left. I secretly prayed to God, while trying not to betray my questioning feelings; I hoped that He would hear me.

I spent the holidays with Pam. Christmas was filled with our daughter, godson and one of my closest friends. Home felt like home again, but I knew not to get caught up because she still was not ready for us to reconcile. Work felt like my job although I knew it was getting ready to end so I slipped into a space of oblivion. I “let go to let God.”

From Christmas to New Year, home changed again – for the better. Things were different but I could not put my finger on it. I guess it was not for me to understand. I had begun to change as well. Remembering my strengths and trying to be honest about my weakness, caused me to reevaluate my role in everything. I was breaking through. By New Years, we had reconciled as the “new me” continued to emerge. I knew that I had self-sabotaged myself again. I needed help. I had lost myself in the brand of who I thought I was to be. I turned back to my spirituality with the blinders off. Who was I really?

The month went by with Pam and I growing spiritually with God at our helm. It wasn’t easy because we had come through a lot. Some of which will never hit these pages but this was the first time both of us would fight through for love—true love. I remember when she finally thanked me for believing and never giving up. I exhaled as I had stopped breathing a long time ago.

I went on interview after interview. My job had ended and I was quickly becoming buried under the same bills that I had just paid up. I was nervous as to how it would affect me but I had to keep strong. Every day I would listen to the news give its dire forecasts on the unemployment numbers and how hard it would be to get another job. Every time I left an interview defeated, it was another stone cast against my self-esteem. One day, I had left an interview in Williamsburg. I had just been treated rudely. It was clear, albeit subtle, that my being a woman – especially an African American, masculine woman - was not welcomed. I was fighting back the tears. I was about 15 minutes from home when my phone rang and my old boss yelled, “What’s wrong with your home phone? And where are you?” Apparently, he was trying to reach me. My old job that I had left in 2007 was opened and he wanted me back. I had temped occasionally when my replacement was out so we had kept in touch since I had left. By Monday, I was back at work.

Next, I started focusing on how to make my business thrive. I cut out all the dead projects and decided to maximize off the projects that worked the best. I even got ready to start performing again and at the end of February, I took the stage in Rochester, New York. Rochester was also the first city I ever performed in. Ironic.

It felt as if my life had been on “PAUSE” and Someone had started the tape again. Life had come full circle. Except this time, all relationships were new and better than ever. My self-esteem was renewed and I started addressing the internal issues that were affecting me. Truthfully, I was afraid. It felt like a dream and at any moment I would awake on my friend’s couch.

FAST FORWARD:

Pam and I are re-engaged and setting a new date. Pmyner is rebuilding but at a steady pace. My boss and I are working on a new level – different from our relationship when I left. I am still performing and getting ready for some new projects.

As I wrote this, I worried that I was telling too much of my personal business. I worried that I was giving a side of me that people may not need to know. I questioned if people would call and text maliciously. But in my spirit, I knew it was a tale that I needed to tell. In a year, I had lost everything – at least according to my definition. I had given up and saw no way out. However, in one month, everything had been given back to me anew. Amazing.

Is everything always perfect? No. Do I ever have a bad day? Sure. But now I use patience, hope and faith. I am not going to get overly spiritual because everyone’s journey is different but I will say: Don’t give up, even when the darkest hour seems like the longest days.

I realize the past year was a test. I had to have everything removed because I had forgotten. I needed reminding. It is very easy to take things for granted. Now I appreciate all that is given and show gratitude every day. Like that Chutes and Ladders game, you never know what is going to take you back down to the bottom.

***

My life has changed. People that never spoke to me now welcome me. They say, "I seem lighter...more uplifted." I socialize more. People even say that I am more fun to be around. I think to myself, “Wow! Was I that bad before?” But when I ask aloud, everyone just looks away.

“There been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long

But now I think I’m able to carry on

It’s been a long, a long time coming

But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will”

- Sam Cooke

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This - Part 2

The breakup actually happened long before I told anyone. I was trying to keep it under wraps but my life was unraveling. My mother had given me the "if it ain't one thing, it’s another" speech. My friends were starting to question what was going on and I was deteriorating. I scrambled to find a job, but to no avail. In October something finally happened.

God saw fit to give me temporary employment and I commuted from Far Rockaway to Newark, New Jersey, which was about 2 hours away via train. It was mostly a telecommuting position, which meant I did not have to physically be in the office every day. I was grateful for that, because some days it was just too hard to leave the house. My boss, a gracious soul, tried to give me a shoulder to lean on, but some times I was just a bumbling mess. However, I did my job because I knew that I was given God’s favor. The least I could do was to give back to my household what had been given to me.

I thought things would get better but nothing was changing. I was torn. My spirit was telling me to fight for my relationship while my ex was telling me to move on. I’d finally opened up to a few close friends and some told me the same thing, while others advised me to follow my heart, but protect myself. I did not know what to do. I just knew that Pam was the woman for me.

I kept working knowing that my job would end by the New Year. I kept fighting for my relationship but Pam was not budging. I kept praying although I felt my prayers were not being answered. Finally the straw broke the camel’s back so I grabbed some things and moved onto a friend’s couch. Completely beaten and totally questioning God’s plan for me, I was a shell. In one week’s time I was to be in a friend’s wedding with my ex. I had to get myself together! But how?

I continued to work around the drama. I broke into tears at any given interval. I thought I was going to have to go back into the hospital like I did seven years before after suffering a nervous breakdown. My business had failed. My relationship was over. My life was empty and God had deserted me. I cancelled any further appearances that were scheduled and just fell deeper in depression.

It was taking everything for me not to board a bus to Philly and get back on the drug road that I had walked before. Punish Pam. Punish God. Punish myself. Instead, I just laid around for two days straight and cried. I cried until the sound bellowed out of my soul like someone had died and they had – me.

When the third day came and I could cry no more, I got up. I decided it was time to get it together. I had to find me. Otherwise, I was not going to make it. It was time to get ready to face the world...and I did.

***
The wedding was a smash. Pam and I did the rehearsal, ceremony and reception together and had a ball. We agreed to spend Christmas and New Years together. I had resolved to leave the relationship in God’s hands which was a new process to me; I always needed to be in control. Though I believed Pam was the one for me, I was prepared to let her go.

Knowing that I needed to have a steady income, I continued to work as well as hunt for more employment opportunities. Being independent makes me happy so to find myself in a situation where I could not help my household, mother nor myself (especially) was detrimental to my self-esteem.

I also started writing as best as I could. I hit a hard wall of writer’s block and needed a release. I knew that writing was my solace and I had to find a way to let go. I had to sit down and figure out how I was going to reconstruct Pmyner. Was I going to make it work or was I going to let it go?

The New Year was coming and my life was getting ready to change. I felt it in my spirit.

And change it did…

Next Part 3: A CHANGE GONE COME…

Sleeping Ugly (Renair's Raw Truth) - Part 1

Sleeping Ugly
Lost wins
But still challenging life
It is my destiny to be a fighter
A writer
Many careers
Sometimes a crier of many tears
Once was a manufacturer of dreams
For others
While I slept through mine

****

Today I resurrect another thing that I let die – my blog. I use to come here and just vent out stories, poems, etc…whatever. It was my life line until one day there was nothing left. Later, it would become another thing I failed.

I left corporate America in 2007 to become a full-time entrepreneur- I needed to be free. I had been interviewed on television and radio, booked to perform in various cities, and had written for a number of publications. I was a star! People knew my face (if not my name.) I would be comp’ed entry into places, brought drinks, and invited to mingle with those that others longed to mingle with. I was a jet-setter and a go-getter but my full time job was stifling me. So I prayed hard. I wanted to know if I should go. “Lord, I need a sign.”

It was about a month or two before I got it [the sign] but once I had it in my head, I was out…mentally. So I started preparing for my exit. Gigs were still coming in. I thanked the Lord as I saw he was ordering my steps. I talked to my partner and fiancée Pam. I told her needed to do this. She gave her consent and I was on my way!

This joy was short lived. I went from being on the elevator rising to the top to the escalator going back to the first floor. It was as if I had been blacklisted by destiny because all of the phone calls stopped almost immediately. I vanished as quickly as I had come and got lost in my dream. I kept clawing for air quickly -- exhausting any savings and questioning the deal that I had with the Lord.

The holidays arrived and depression sat in as I became what I loathed – a dependant partner with no income. I fought the urge to give up, guided by the belief that this was just a “hard time” and things would get better. Thanksgiving became about helping the needy and I became about trying to keep a happy face as everyone applauded my decision to buck the system and step out on my own. However, inside I was a mess! Pam continued her barrage of optimism as I festered into a ball of hatred, angry at the approaching yuletide.

Christmas was on the horizon and I had decided to cancel my company’s holiday marathon which had been a smashing success the year before. I could not gather the resources, artists or people. It was another bitter strike for me and depression took residence in my heart.

I tried to convince myself that if I focused on the true meaning of Christmas, I could ride the wave of reality and not get caught up in the missing Christmas bonus I would have received had I kept my job. I tried to make the better of my first Christmas at home with my fiancée and step-daughter. I just kept trying to make it about living, but each day I cried. I cried because I was crumbling. Because I couldn’t pay my cell phone bill, my credit card bill or any household bill. Pam said we would be fine, trust God. I told her she was right and tried to regain my composure until my mother called; she needed me. Again, I couldn’t. So my doubt reentered and the tears returned.

By the time the New Year came, I was excited but still angry. Every thing annoyed me. I kept hustling through the spring but by now, I was in financial straits. I had no extra income. Eighty percent of everything coming in was going back out. I barely could afford car fare. I felt the lowest of low.

Spring was here and I was job hunting but finding nothing. Things were straining as my confidence was waning. The recession was on its way. But I had to keep going – there had to be a way to soar again. Again, my partner expressed her confidence in me and I prayed about it. Then I did the responsible thing – conducted surveys, made phone calls, scoped prospects until I came up with Speak Your Myne Brooklyn. I did everything to make it totally different from the Harlem venue, which also meant using more money that I didn’t have. The events were successful but were still costing me more than expected. Finally, I tried to pull off one more event – a birthday bash which could possibly launch a series of parties. Of course, everyone would come out for that…it was my day. I did my research again. Everyone responded – they were coming. Wrong.

So Speak Your Myne Brooklyn folded along with my dreams. My spirit was broken and I was beyond depressed. By then, I also had folded Myne Myc because I couldn’t get an artist interview to save my life. The Myne Magazine that was being published under my company had also folded and the only thing left standing was Speak Your Myne Harlem Third Thursdays. I had ceased production on both of my CDs to the dismay of my producer and my manuscript had still not been sent to the publisher.

I was a shell. I stopped attending venues not telling why. How embarrassing that the great Renair could not afford to be there! I could not even afford the typical promotional things anymore. So I lied by saying that I had a busy schedule and kept it moving. By now my therapist was on the hunt for me because I wouldn’t even leave my house. My friends had not seen me. People would call and get the voicemail. Eventually, I would call back when I had mustered up enough joy to fake it. My fiancée had not only broken off the engagement – she had broken up with me. I was living but slowly dying. The only thing I could do now was cry and even those tears were starting to abandon me.

Next…SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS…

Rain Down

Tears rain down
like thunderstorms
on days when the sun hides behind
shadowed clouds
and lightning strikes
into grates covering subway tracks
causing fires to burn out of control
with no emergency exits
just paths created by scorching tears
that rained down like
hard drops breaking cement
and causing cracks to create designs
that entertain the public
and leave me standing alone
drenched
looking for my umbrella

Seclusion

I am writing again
Not erotic rendezvouses
Or political banter of circumstances
But a raw expose of footsteps
Leading me to where I once was
I find my soul in the midst of negativity
In the midst of confusion
Chaotic circles form a cyclone above my head
Dropping debris of past mistakes
Crushing me beneath the weight of the truth
I am walking down a road
Familiar to my steps but scary to my soul
I have apologized
Fallen down on my knees and prayed
I have analyzed
Standing up on my feet and accepted
I have realized
Holding on to my heart and retracted
But I have finally removed the mask that I have worn
Held close by my friends to be pure in his Word
It is rather ironic how the worst situation
Reveals the true desire to be better
I have only come this far by faith
But almost turned around because I have been judged
Executed with a bow of mental conclusion
Which has burned a scarlet letter
for Betrayal in my heart
So I pen my confession
I am writing again
Not some type of word twisting phenomenal
Or Love Letter written in smoke
For Love is just a lying emotion
As Hate is a thin line between
It is time for me to escape
Pack a bag and run away
Hide in a mausoleum
To cleanse my steps
Around me
My
Life
Is
Crumbling
All that I have believed is almost gone
Alone I find myself
To rest in my head
Listening to voices of a melancholy tone
Inside a multiple echo leaves me cowering as I try to decipher
Wrong
I chose
Wrong
I saw
Wrong
So now I just walk
Living homeless and desolate
Humbled by all I have experienced
I will think twice
no
Thrice
Before I speak
Or Trust myself with another
I will breathe
One
no
To Ten
Before I make decisions
Or share my soul with the world
So for now I retreat
Pick up my soles and hide
So that my cocoon can engulf me
and I can emerge
Fluttering in the sun
Instead of being blindfolded by my mistakes
I will learn to be learned
I will teach to be taught
I will speak to be spoken to
I will seclude to be safe
I am writing again
Inside my brain
When I close my eyes
I finally see
I am wrong
I have always been wrong
And I will continue to be wrong
Perfection only rests in the heavens
And as long as I walk on the earth
I will live
I will always live
And I will continue to live
But for now--only in the world of my seclusion